Because I really wanna be a Gunner Baby Owner — Gunner Barrett is hot. Melt in my mouth hot. He’s sweet, too. And now I have to work with him. It’s challenging enough to focus on Doctor Funny editorial duties. And then add in that woozy I’m-punch-drunk giddiness you get when your aura is within range of a total hottie. …

Simple ways to say “You suck” — It’s the end of June. We’re all hot and bothered. And freaking out about having to spend more than a weekend with the unpleasant fetuses who escaped our uteruses. It’s that time of year. When your thinking cap comes out from under the bed. Your pocketbook slides open. And gift…

When you stop vomiting, follow these simple steps — Remember teenybopper lust? I’m talking the kind of obsession that happened pre-mortgage. The kind involving 112 texts a day. Well, if such as thing as portable phones had existed when I was chilling at my locker between biology and skipping trigonometry. It’s writing the lyrics of ‘Hanging by a Moment’…

Late to the challenge is better than never — I’m late for the party. The Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Me was all the rage — before the Spring Equinox. I burned the invite in last weekend’s bonfire. Should I say Sorry? Usually, Scourge of the Earth Challenges send me rushin’ to Russia with a few puppies for…

We all have ’em, don’t we? — I attempt to dowse my Barbie pink locks in an organic, chemical-free hair cleanser that refuses to lather. Despite what the compostable bottle claims. All the while deliberations just keep popping into my noggin. Sometimes they’re earth-shattering. Mostly they’re not. I have a fuzzball of a feline affectionately known as…

She has to be somewhere — “Where the fuck is she?” shouts Kristine Laco, flinging her Swiss Cheese costume across the room. It dents the lifesize poster of a raspberry finger puppet. Dripping in a smile. And pure disdain. And now, chunks of curdled milk juice. “She barely did anything this weekend,” shouts Michael Burg, MD…

All of May’s prompts in one handy place — Are you as lazy as I am? Clickety-clacking “Christopher Robin 12-word May prompt” takes wayyyyy too much thought. And digit strain. And I need those fingers primed and ready. To wrap around my morning mug ‘o’ java. You thought I was going to say something else, didn’t you? You Perve! …

Cattle, Crap and Climax — The Kinsey Institute has uncovered a disturbing sexual trend. “This alarming occurrence seems to be mounting mainly in the state of Illinois,” explains researcher Aphrodite Diddler. “But with the involvement of TikTok these trends are sure to become a worldwide phenomenon.” “And that terrifies us,” reveals her lab partner, who…